Calling all Lost Hearts

Happiness

Why is so much of our personal happiness wrapped up in other people? I'm told that I should date myself. That I should learn about who I want to be and be okay by myself.

And the truth is I can function by myself. I could survive on my own. I would get a cat or a dog and I would be just fine. But that isn't what I want.

I'm a social person, I like being with friends, whether it's laying in bed shoving our faces with ice cream or going out and dancing our faces off. Both things conveniently involve faces. Faces are nice. Looking into someone's eyes. Wondering what they're thinking. Noticing the way flecks of gold sprinkle through blue iris. How their smile turns up higher on one side than the other.

People are a mystery, a beautiful mystery, and everything is so uncertain. We don't control how others think or feel. We learn about each other, we grow because of each other. We depend on each other and that means we allow ourself to be hurt.

I'm no stranger to pain, heartache, 3am nights crying into my pillow hoping I didn't wake anyone up. Hiding in the shower, letting the water run so hot my skin turns red and one more degree would burn it off. I've played with flames and candle wax. I've caused myself physical pain to try and make sense of the emotional pain. Justifing that as long as I could bleed, I knew I was living.

Doing anything and everything to try and fill a void in my heart. Somewhere in life I equated people to love and love to happiness. Not the love you get from your parents or friends, but being in love with that one person that shakes up your world. Sets it on fire. Makes life feel worth living.

I'm not an unhappy person. I just got lost. I gave too much of myself away to people who didn't really love me, but they were there and I thought I loved them. I did love some of them. Now, I'm putting myself back together. I smile and I try to mean it. I'm trying to be happy because I know that my happiness is derived from things I enjoy doing.

Lacing up my skates, writing, traveling, going out, being a quirky foodie. I'm learning to do things for myself.

So lets make a toast.

Here is to being an authentic self, to genuine smiles, to real laughter, to a better, happier tomorrow.

#Happiness #friends #pain #lost #love #authenticself