Part One

Disclaimer* not a pretty story

That night is a night I try to forget. Try to tuck away in my brain and leave it alone. Afraid to rattle it or that it will fall of the edge of its shelf. It has its own room with a door that remains locked at all times. It is a night that started out normal, but took a nasty turn.

You can't take something like that back. It isn't something sorry will change and it isn't something you can ever make right. I try to be okay, I tried for years to be okay. But that night threw me into the fire and I came out someone else.

Someone darker.

You took something I wasn't ready to give and you birthed into the world the self-destructive individual I became. I can't blame it all on you, but when you were finished, I felt like a rag. I felt like nothing. I remember telling you no and you covering my mouth telling me to be quiet and let it happen. And like a spell I stopped fighting. I lost myself to an inner battle.

I gave up on myself after that. I want to die, gave in to the pain. Feeling worthless. I hated everything, I stopped caring about what happened to me, my body, my physical form. It was tainted and ugly and the only thing I ever wanted was to be loved. I couldn't love myself because I felt wrong.

Actually, physically wrong. My stomach was sick, my body was numb. I couldn't close my eyes because I could feel your touch and smell your hair. My body would convulse at the thought.

What you did to my body would fade, but the marks left on my soul would take longer. I'm still trying to heal.

That night you took something, but I surrendered something even greater. I let you change me. You planted seeds of doubt and pain. and I spiraled into a world I didn't recognize.