Nothing

What is the scariest thing in the world? What strikes fear into your bones so much that your body can't stop shaking? Is it heights? I hear that is pretty common. Maybe sharks? or snakes perhaps?

Whatever it is I'm sure you aren't alone.

For me, I'm scared of failure, of being alone, of not being perfect. I'm far from perfect. That dart landed so far off the board that it is currently behind the bar seeing what kind of trouble it can cause. In all seriousness. I don't get it. It turns out I was raised by fear. My parents scared me into submission, or obediance, whatever you want to call it.

Before you get the wrong idea, I had a reasonably happy childhood, I had a rough patch in middle school, but what angsty pre-teen with a pizza face doesn't? I'm very thankful for my parents.

But I was taught to be fearful of possiblities. Because there are factors of this world that I couldn't control. I shouldn't go swimming with sharks because I could look like a tasty treat. Which sounds like a reasonable request, but sharks are in the ocean and I love the ocean. I shouldn't quiver in fear of feeling sand between my toes and salt water splashing my ankles because there is a possiblity of a hungry shark looking for a snack.

There is a possiblity that tomorrow I will get in my car and never get out, but I shouldn't be afraid of driving.

The fact is that there is no way I can control the factors that surround my life so why be scared of a the possiblities that one day my time will end? I could live a sheltered life. I could be obediant to the Boogie Man, to mass media. I could wrap myself in pillows and bubble wrap, I could wear a suit of armor at all times, I could lock myself up in a fallout shelter, but what am I protecting myself from? An astroid could slam into Earth and all my provisions and pillows and bubble wrap wouldn't do a thing.

Fear morphed into, "If I try to live, I will die. If I try to succeed, I will fail." It became better to never try than to fail. I never gave myself the opportunity to be better. I already thought I was a failure and I've lived up to it.

How do you fix feeling like you'll only ever be nothing? I know I'm not happy with myself. I know I should start there. But how do I tackle the thoughts that plague my mind? Fix the insecurities, stop the second guessing.

I just want to be happy.